motherhood

The hardest things I have ever done in my life is become a mother. I love the "babysitter" part of being a mother. When I would babysit kids, we would play and have fun, I didn't have to worry much about the cleaning, the cooking, paying bills excetera... I love playing games with my children, I love talking to them, cuddling, singing, dancing, cooking, walking, bike riding and much more, that is when I am happiest and life feels good. I don't like the cleaning, and household running aspects of motherhood, the endless cycles of picking up toys, laundry, cooking, dishes, sweeping, mopping, cleaning of bathrooms and rooms. It is so hard to find a balance between those and playing and taking care of children. If I keep the house clean, I feel like I'm cleaning all of the time, and feel guilty that I'm not playing with the kids enough and spending quality time with them. But, when I do spend lots of time with them, the house is dirty and then I feel guilty becuase I'm supposed to keep the house clean. And then the worst part is the discipline and saying "no". I want more than anything to be nice to my kids all the time, but they don't always listen and obey, and when they make a wrong choice I have to deliver an appropriate consequence. I hate being upset with them, and especially when I become so upset that I lose control and yell at them, I always feel so horrible after that and cry and ask them for forgiveness. I feel bad when they cry or when I ignore them when their throwing a fit to get attention. Is it normal to feel like a piece of your heart is breaking when your child makes a wrong choice? I always wonder if I'm doing enough for them, teaching them the right things, if they will be ready to withstand the temptations of Satan. How come children make wrong choices before they are 8, if Satan can't tempt them until the arrive at the age of accountability? I know I can only do so much, and the rest is up to them. Why does it feel so wrong, when I have to be strict and consitent with the rules, and the kids are unhappy with me and say I'm mean and don't love them when I have to say "no" or deliver a consequence. Will there ever be a time when we can just be nice to each other and have fun becuase everyone obeys the rules and chooses the right. Forgive me for all my random thoughts, I will be pouring my heart out to my father in heaven tonight, and maybe tommorow I will have my answers. On a brighter note, Joseph had his interview with the Bishop today and was found worthy to be baptized..Yeah!!! He is going to be baptized in June while we're in Oregon by my Dad. I love being a mother and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, I love my children so much; I love their individualality and sweet spirits, and look forward to seeing what they grow up to be.